Tortallan Court
by jollyrancher-j2k
Summary: UPDATED AS OF APRIL 17! Only 10 days to update this time! And my B-day's coming up in 12 days...
1. Delia, Roger, and Alex

Tortallan Characters in Court

Disclaimer: I disclaim any and all people, places, things and ideas belonging to Tamora Pierce or anyone else.

Chapter 1: Trial of the Terribly Troublesome Troublemaking Trio

Writer: Okay, time for a little magic! For the jury today, we have the following:

Keladry of MindelanVeralidaine SarasriCloud

Cleon of KennanNumair SalmalínZek

Owen of JesslawSkysong (Kitten)Prince Roald

Lalasa IsranEmperor Kaddar of CarthakPrincess Kalasin

Our witnesses:

King JonathanMyles of OlauThe Rogue George

Lady (Sir) Alanna of...Queen ThayetLiam (Shang Dragon)

And lastly... dun duh dun duuuuhhh... our villains!!! (Er... the defendants):

Duke RogerLady DeliaAlex of Tirragen

And now we need two lawyers. Hmm... I know!:

For the prosecutor, Sir Nealan of Queenscove!

And for the defendants, Ralon of Malven!!!

Ralon: Hehehehe... (Murmuring) I can beat that wimp Alan, I can... I can beat him! I will beat the little fleabag 'til he won't fight any mo-ore! Hahahaha! Must beat Alan... must...

Delia: Wait a minute. That... _idiot_... is going to be our lawyer?! No way! There is absolutely no way that I am going to be defended by a psycomaniac, I mean, I have _standards_!

Writer: Yes Delia, we all know what your standards are. _Ba dum ba!_

Ralon: Going to beat that wimp... I don't answer to wimps! Who says so?! Who?!?!

Delia: (practically purring with evil innocence) Listen, Writer, do you reeeally want that crazy man to ruin your nice, peaceful courtroom like this?

Writer: Okay, Delia. I guess you have a point. Bye-bye Ralon.

_Poof_

Delia: Ugh! _Thank_ you!

Roger: Darling, we never say thank you to the good people. You know that. Bad Delia!

Delia: Yes master.

Roger: Now, go be annoying somewhere else.

Delia: Yes master. (Takes one step to the side)

Writer: Umm... thanks, I guess. Now let's have everyone in the jury stand up and tell us a little bit about themselves so we know what we're working with.

Kel: Does this mean we can say anything we want right now?

Writer: Uh... sure.

Kel: Okay. My name is Kel, I'm a knight and do you know what I love most in the world?! Neal!!! Be mine, please, Nealy wealy woo woo boop de doo doo!

Neal: (standing up) Nealan of Queenscove, Your Honor. (turning to Kel) Kel, if I were yours I would be a slave, and since there are no slaves in Tortall, your statement would be considered traitorous, therefore I advise you to think more carefully before you speak, as the things you say in this court room...

Cleon: Kel, I love you. Why won't you recognize my love, oh dove of my heart?

Owen: Jolly good speech Cleon! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jolly! Jo...

Neal: Owen, please cease the noise coming out of the exceptionally large hole in your head that most would call your mouth!

Owen: Jolly good speech Nealy wealy woo woo boop de doo doo!!!

Lalasa: I am Lalasa and I'm not afraid. I am Lalasa and I'm not afraid. I am Lalasa and I'm not afraid....

Daine: Oh, Kadda', gi' ridda tha' vile creatia you ca' your wife. I love you! I love you! I looove you!

Numair: (sighs) Daine, we've been over this... You like me not him.

Kalasin: He's _my_ emperor. _Mine_, d' ya hear me Daine!

Daine: Is not!

Kalasin: Is too!

Daine: Is not!

Kalasin: Is too!

Daine: Is not, is not, is not!

Kalasin: Is too, is too, is too!

Daine: Is _not_!

Kalasin: Is _too_!

Daine: Is not, not, not, not, not!

Kalasin: Is _too_, so _there_!

Roald: I command you to shut up!

Cloud: Me, Zek, and Kitten need a translator!

Writer: No, you don't. I am giving you the gift of human speech until this trial is over.

Cloud: Okay, then. I want a carrot. No, two carrots. No, three...

Roald: I command you to bring me a chair! I command you to bake me a pie! I command...

Jon: Shut up!!!

Neal: Ahem... King... Sire, what I mean to say is that you may not say anything until called upon as written in the Tortallan Books of Law, Volume VII, Section 29, Statement C.

Kel: Neal, Neal! I love you! Marry me!!!

Cleon: Kel, I love you. Why won't you recognize my love, oh dove of my heart?

Neal: The answer to that is that she likes me not you. Kel, I must entreat you to take a long look at Cleon who is actually free, at the present, from the confines of a relationship, while I, at the present, am engaged to my wonderful Yuki.

Kel: Neal, I need you! Marry me, _please_! I'll do _anything_!!!

Cleon: Kel, I love you. Why won't you recognize my love, oh dove of my heart?

Neal: (to Kel) Will you go marry Cleon and leave me alone?

Writer: Okay, now I think the witnesses should introduce themselves, starting with Jon.

Jon: I'm King Jonathan and I'm a prig!

Myles: Please don't put me in combat! Please!!! I'm just a poor desk knight and the palace drunk. I wouldn't make a good commander! Ple-e-ease!

George: Alanna, why don't you love me?

Alanna: Jon, I never meant to make you angry. I really _do_ want to marry you!!!

George: Alanna, why don't you love me?

Thayet: Oh, Liam, I love you more than anyone else in the world!

Liam: Alanna, stay away from me! Must escape from magic... must die without magic... no healings, _please_!

Jon: _Tha-a-aye-e-et_! Get your butt over here! You love me, not some redhead. I detest redheads!

Alanna: That's not very nice! I'm a redhead, Jonny! Please don't marry that royal image of perfection that we know will make you a better queen than I!

Thayet: Wait a minute... If I only love Liam because he's a redhead, then that means... Alanna! My love! Come to me! Be mine!

Alanna: Okay, you're almost as good as Jon.

Jon: No! You can't do that! I won't let you! I command you to not love each other!

Alanna: I never followed your commands anyway.

Jon: No, no, no, no, _no_!!! This isn't how it's supposed to be. (points at writer) Don't you all see. She did this to you! She's the evil writer who's taking away all my admirers and lovers!!!

Writer: Neal, you may begin with the trial, since it seems that the only thing people are doing is ranting and raving about their pathetic love lives.

Neal: Okay, first the defendants must plead guilty and tell their stories.

Writer: Oh... well proceed, then.

Alex: Who do you want to go first?

Writer: Duke Roger, you'd better go first since you're the main criminal here.

Roger: I'm not a criminal! I am an evil genius, destined to rule the world!!!

Writer: You say you're destined?

Roger: Yes, I had a dream that one day I would overthrow my cousin and take the rest of the world by force.

Neal: Umm... I believe he has yet to plead his case...

Roger: Oh, by all means, I am guilty.

Delia: He's lying! He's not guilty... Rogey, tell them!

Writer: Delia, he pleaded guilty. That's all there is to it.

Delia: Well, I plead not guilty!

Alanna: You liar! You killed my brother by making him bring back Rogey!... Oops! I mean Roger! ...Really, we aren't having an affair or anything. I swear by the Goddess that I'm not with him to get back at Jon for picking that pretty little Thayet to be his wife instead of me!

Jon: Off with their heads! Off with their heads!!!

Writer: Which ones?

Jon: Roger, Delia, and especially Alanna!

Writer: Jon, you aren't the Queen of Hearts, and you can't order them dead. We haven't even heard Delia's side of the story.

Jon: All right, but I better get to chop _someone's_ head off!

Alanna (to Thayet): He could chop his own head off if he was really so set on killing someone.

Delia: Well here's the truth... Rogey was so nice to me when I first came to the palace... and then he did the sorcerer's trick with the jewel thingy that made me mesmerized... then he let me seduce Jonny, but I swear that I didn't know what great danger it would put him in...

Myles: You liar! You said you only loved me!

George: Sir Myles?!?! What about my mother?!?!

Myles: That old bat?

George: I'm going to kill you!!! (Neal grabs him.) Let me at him!

Neal: No way. You'd have a terrible lawsuit after that and all of history could be rewritten.

Writer: You two need to calm down. We can't let you guys talk at random. Neal...

Neal: As my first witness, I bring to the stand Sir or Lady Alanna of Trebond, Olau, and Pirate's Swoop.

Alanna: She took my Jon! She took my Jon!

George: Alanna, why don't you love me?

Neal: Can you tell me what happened when you talked to Delia before the coronation?

Alanna: She took my Jon! She took my Jon!

George: Alanna, why don't you love me?

Neal: (Ignoring George) Yes we know that, but what happened when you were last talking to her before the coronation?

Alanna: She took my Jon! She took my Jon!

George: Alanna, why don't you love me?

Neal: Your...umm...Honor, I am finished.

Writer: Thayet, could you take Alanna outside for a few minutes?

Thayet: Sure.

Writer: Actually, could you lock Alanna in a room with George for a while? Maybe she'll gain her common sense back.

George: Finally, my love will be recognized and I, George Cooper, will begin the rest of my life!

Writer: Yeah, whatever. Umm... What's next, Neal?

Neal: Oh, yes. The Defense gets to call their witnesses to the stand and then the jury will decide...

Writer: Okay, okay. Defense?

Delia: I give up! But, I'll only come quietly if you don't make me wear those hideous robes they make you wear!

Writer: All right... If you really want to walk around naked...

Delia: No! NO!!!! (Breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably)

Jon: Yes, yes!

Thayet: But, Jonny Wonny!

Jon: (Plugging his ears) I can't hear you! I can't hear you!

Thayet: Wah! Where's Liam, where's Alanna! I want people to love me again!!!

Liam: Magic... It's taking over the world! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!! Just look at all those people reading J.K. Rowling, Tolkein... (Gasp) And even Tamora Pierce! _Magic_ is _taking over_!!!!!

Neal: Actually, there is no such thing as magic and technically if people didn't read the Tamora Pierce books, we wouldn't exist because, well, the Writer wouldn't be writing this because she wouldn't know anything about us.

Writer: Hey, that's right... (Smiles evilly) I _am _the writer and I can get rid of you whenever I want. I think this is what I'll do... (Speaking to everyone) Okay, anyone and everyone who is acting strange is ordered to vanish immediately!

_Poof! Everyone Vanishes._

Writer: Well, I guess the trial is over. I hereby sentence Duke Rogey... I mean _Roger_ (blushes), _Lady_ Delia, and even Alex, though he didn't get to protest his case, to a life of exile from any future Tortallan stories!


	2. Joren and his Cookie

Author's Note: Thank you very much to the three reviews I got (crickets in the background). They were very nice and much appreciated, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't appriciate a few more. Hint, hint!

Separate Thankyou's: Dom's Lover- my first reviewer ever! Thank you for not flaming me!

wild black fire- Yes, randomness! I love randomness… like when I'm in the middle of saying something and all of a sudden... pink monkeys!!!

The Hobbit Lass- Sorry, but you can't have Neal. I'm thinking of kidnapping him in chapter 3. But Nawat's up for grabs! For the moment anyway…

Disclaimer: I own nothing that you find familiar... or anything that belongs to Tamora Pierce. Whichever comes up first in a law suit.

Chapter 2: The Trial of Page Joren of Stone Mountain

Writer: I've decided our jury and witnesses are pretty much pointless, so when I write everyone in, just imagine a theater-like room with everyone in the audience. People who have something to say can just raise their hands and I'll poof them on stage. At the end, we'll have a hand-raising vote to see if the leech in question is guilty or not guilty. Sooo...

_Poof! Everyone (and anyone) appears. Joren is onstage sitting cross-legged and many members of the audience are asleep._

Writer: Hi everyone! Today we get to um, convict this blond-haired, blue-eyed piece of warm cherry pie (gets dreamy look)... maybe with some ice cream on the side. And some nice hot peppermint tea. With whipped cream. No, idiots, not on the tea, on the pie. Sheesh! I'm on a diet alright. Bear with me, here. Anyway, let's get on with the trial. Joren of Stone Mountain, how do you plead?

Joren: Plead bring me some cookies!

Writer: No, no. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

Joren: Cookie, cookie!

Writer: Joren, forget the pleading thing! Are you guilty?

Joren: But me wanna cookie!!!

Writer: Fine, I'll give you a cookie if you answer me, okay?

Joren: Okey-dokey, artichokey.

Writer: Are you _guilty_ or _not guilty_?!

Joren: Cookie!

Writer: No, not cookie, guilty.

Joren: Gookie!

Writer: Good, we're actually progressing. Okay, Joren. Say "guilty."

Joren: Gookie!

Writer: Guilty.

Joren: Gookie!

Writer: Guilty!

Joren: Gookie!

Writer: For the last time, it's guilty!!!

Joren: Gookie cookie!

Writer: Argh! I give up. You can all go home.

Neal: Wait, can I try something?

Writer: Why not!

Neal (to Joren): Jorey, tell Nealy if you're cookie or not cookie.

Joren: Not guilty!

Writer: Thank you Neal. I guess that just shows you how totally stupid some people can be.

Joren: I'm not stupid, it's just mix-it-up day.

Writer (sighs): How many people have heard of mix-it-up day?

_Everyone raises their hands._

Writer: Why am I not surprised?

Neal: Mix-it-up day is ndik of amfosu ronuda rehe.

Writer: Huh? Oh, well, whatever. So, who wants to say something.

Joren: Um, I loduw.

Writer: What?

Neal: He said, "I would."

Writer: Thank you. Joren, continue.

Joren: Well, I sumt teprost atht het sgecahr ainsgat me rea ylxetmere—

Writer: Could you please just talk in good ol' English.

Joren: Fine. –ridiculous and came out of that b!!!! Kel's imagination. What happened was this: I was just minding my own business, helping a few of the first years study in the library, when that wench comes up and tries to get me to fight with her. Now, I tried to get her to calm down, but she kept coming at me, so I had to defend myself. Really, that's all I was trying to do and I was lucky to end the fight so soon, otherwise I would have had to restrain her further.

Kel: Yeah right, you son of...

Neal: Kel, there's no reason for you to get worked up about this.

Cleon: Kel, window of my imprisoned heart, he's right.

Kel: You think Joren's right?!?! You s!!!!! piece of !!!! You !!!!!y little girl! I'll knock you're stuffing out! I'll take your intestines and strangle you with 'em. I'll hurt you so bad you'll go home cryin' to your mama. Like a little baby! Wah wah! All the way home!!!

Cleon: I meant that Neal's right.

Kel: Oh. Well, you should explain yourself better, you...

Writer: Okay, okay. Let's stop there. Kel, obviously you don't believe Joren, so tell us your version of the story.

Kel: Well, that...

Writer: Spare us the stupid names and just tell your tale!

Kel: Fine, but someone's gonna go home with a bruised brain after I get through with that...er... person.

Neal: I advise you to tell the true story, Kel. No fudging it. Not even a little bit.

Kel: I'll fudge what I want to fudge! Shut up or I'll fudge your brains out!

Writer: Just go already!

Kel: Okay, okay. I was walking down the halls, minding my own business, when I hear a cry for help coming from the library. (starts talking like a hero) The voice sounded as if its owner was in great distress, so I ran as fast as I could (which is pretty fast) to that vast hall of manuscripts and there I did behold a great and terrible monster, a beast to beat all beasts, a... Well, a blond menace called Joren. He was standing over a poor pathetic young boy...

Owen: Hey! I am not jolly pathetic!

Kel: Shut up brat. You're interrupting me and I don't like it when people interrupt me!

Owen: Jolly sorry!

Kel: Anyway, a poor pathetic young boy. The boy looked to have been throttled and annoyed most sincerely by his enemies, so I could do naught but rush in and stop the mad torture! (grabs Owen viciously) I _saved_ this poor boy from certain death, your honor! This poor, young page... Cut down in his prime!!! (she throws Owen to the floor with a flourish)

Writer: Thank you, Kel. That will be quite enough! Owen, are you okay?

Owen: Yes, jollily okay, Mrs. Writer person.

Writer: Good. So basically, Joren, you were caught beating Owen up. Don't you think that would make you guilty?

Joren: What was I accused of?

Writer: Of beating and abusing a young page, namely Owen.

Joren: Oh, that's my charge?! I thought you were trying me for sending people to kidnap Lalasa.

Writer: No, that technically hasn't happened yet. So you're saying you're guilty?

Joren: Well, not guilty exactly... More like... ummm...

Writer: More like guilty?

Joren: Yeah, yeah. That's the word. I am guilty.

Writer: Okay, Joren of Stone Mountain has decided to plead guilty. Do any of you in the audience wish to argue with him? (dead silence) Thought not. Joren...

Joren: Wait, no! Please. I don't want to die! Somebody please!!!

Writer: You are hereby to be put in The Dungeon of Terror for a period of two months (after which I hope you'll be broken!) and then to be put on probation for the rest of your miserable life!!! Yahahaha!!! (lightning flash)

Joren: No! Please not the Dungeon! (people come to drag him away) No! No!! No!!!

Writer: Well, that scum is gone. Now how about a margarita?

Owen: Wait! What about the other jolly mean bullies who were also jolly terrorizing jolly me?

Writer: What about them?

Owen: Well, it's not jolly fair to punish one of them, but not jolly punish the others.

Kel: He's right! Justice must be served! This poor boy was...

Writer: Yes, yes, Kel. We know the story.

Kel: To let the other purveyors of mischief run free would be a danger to us all! To let the scummiest of scum frighten our young ones would be...

Writer: Kel! We get the picture. Shut up already!

Kel: Did you just tell me to shut up?! Do you have a death wish or something? 'Cause when people tell me to shut up, I get MAD!!!

Writer: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Cleon: Kel, my pink peach, don't get mad at the poor writer. My dear belladonna...

Kel: Did you just call me a pink peach?! You idiot! You driveling, mindless gorilla! I am not pink! I hate pink! And peaches are soft, like little girlies playing in the flowery fields... You dip!!!!! I'm gonna have to take you outside and teach you a lesson you won't ever be able to forget! Want me to do to you what Alanna did to Ralon? Huh? Wimp!!!

Cleon: My deliciously decadent...

Kel: Decadent?! Like I'm some kind of puff pastry?! Huh? (gasp) Are you calling me fat?!?! Are you?! Cause if you are...

Writer: Cleon, I think you'd better run for it!

Cleon: Thanks for the show. (runs out) Bye!

Kel: That idiot left me! He just left me here at the stage! What does he expect me to do? What should I tell all the guests? That the trial they came to see isn't going to happen because my lovey dovey redhead ran off with some other girl! That wimpy piece of garbage is gonna get pounded tonight!!!

Owen: It's not like it's your jolly wedding Kel. Are we doing anything at this point? I mean, isn't the jolly trial jolly over by now?

Writer: You're right. Everybody, say a jolly... I mean, say a great big goodbye and thank you to your audience out there. You know. The ones sitting in front of their computers, mouses (or is it mice?) ready to click the review button. (looks out of computer) Hey, did you lose weight? Is that a new haircut because you look absolutely...

Kel: Just poof us already, you snorkel eater!

Writer: Snorkel eater?

Kel: Yeah. You can't even come up with good insults any more, so let me go!

Writer: Fine, fine. Everyone poof! (everyone poofs and vanishes) Good bye and good riddance!


	3. Perin This is my fav!

Chapter 3: The Trial of Perin the Idiotic Clerk and Persistant Swain #1

Anonymous person that I'm writing in just for the heck of it: What did Perin ever do to you? He's barely even mentioned in the books.

Anonymous person that I'm writing in just for the heck of it 2: Yeah, leave him alone.

Anonymous...Oh, what the heck. This is getting tiring. I'll just make it an acronym. So, APTIWIJFTHOI3: Yeah!

Writer: Wait just a minute. I write out all your names and then, when I finally make it an acronym, all you have to say is "yeah?" If you're gonna do stupid things like that, I'll just turn you into an anonymous crowd!

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Ummm... hello. You are the writer, correct?

Writer: Duh!

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Well, then you're the one who decides what she's gonna put after the colons, right?

Writer: Uh, ya! I have, like, supreme authority over you, so talk to the hand because I ain't listenin'.

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Whatever. Be an idiot. It's not my problem if you are one.

Writer: Okay, you're being just a little too smarty-mouthiesh and back-talkiesh, so I am poofing you.

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Fine, see if I care.

Writer: Fine, then I will. _Poof. The mean APTIWIJFTHOI3 gets tossed out a third story window, lands on a barge full of garbage and ends up on a desert island in Antarctica._

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Hi. Okay, first of all, I think you mean a deserted island. Second of all, there are no islands IN Antarctica. And third of all, I can still talk, ya know.

Writer: Okay, first of all, I _meant_ a desert island, _not_ deserted. Second of all, there _are_ islands in Antarctica if I say there are. And third of all, _Poof! The APTIWIJFTHOI3, who is REALLY ugly and now has HORRIBLE acne, disappears (FOREVER!!!)!_

APTIWIJFTHOI2: Hi. Are you writing a fanfic or are you just babbling here because I came to be a part of a story, not to help some lonely freak talk to herself.

Writer: I am not a freak! I'm just different. Anyway, let's poof in everyone. _Everyone poofs in and Perin gets to be onstage in chains... Lots and lots of heavy chains. With those ball things on the end. And he's stooped over because it all weighs too much! Yahahaha!!!_

Daine: Uh... Why is Perin here?

Writer: Because! He is on trial!!!

Daine: Yeah, I kinda got that already. I mean, what did he do?

Writer: What did he do? What did he do?! (looks at audience) She wants to know what he did! This poor girl... So innocent that she doesn't even know what he did! Ladies and gentlemen, if that isn't proof that he's guilty, then what is?

Numair: (cough) Guilty! (cough)

Onua: Shut up, Numair! Your excellence, it would be helpful if you specified which crime this poor boy has committed.

Writer: This "poor boy", Mistress Onua, has committed the crime of all crimes. The worst crime imaginable! He has committed a crime against humanity, a crime against the gods, and... A crime against LOVE!!!

Numair: Kill him!!!

Daine: (glares at Numair) Shut up!

Onua: You really can't be more specific than that?

Writer: I _just_ said "a crime against LOVE!!!"

Onua: Yes, but that's not very specific.

Writer: Not specific? Not specific?!

Daine: Okay, before you start to rant again, just take a deep breath and calm down.

Perin: I'd kinda like to know what I did, too.

Writer: Oh, you know what you did.

Numair: (cough) Guilty! (cough)

Daine and Onua: Numair, SHUT UP!!!

Numair: Well, he is!

Writer: Numair's right. Let's vote right now. Raise your hand if you think Perin is guilty.

_Writer raises her hand and Numair raises his._

Writer: Okay, we have voted in favor of Guilty! Now, take him away.

Daine: No!

Onua: It's two against two! You can't take him anywhere!

Writer: (whispers to Numair) Numair, raise your other hand... No, I mean both hands, stupid! (to Onua) See! It's three to two. Majority rules. Sorry!

Perin: That's not fair! Why can't I have a proper trial where you tell the jury my crime and I make my statement... Etcetera, etcetera!

Writer: Because I'm your mother and I said so! Hehehe! Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that. Fine, I guess we can have a real trial, party pooper!

Perin: Thank the gods!

Writer: Okay. We are gathered here today... Oops! Wrong event. Umm... To contine, Perin has been accused of persisting in flirting with Veralidaine Sarasri (or Weirynsra), even though in a couple of months, she and Numair will recognize their undying love for one another! Perin, how do you plead?

Onua: Wait just a minute! That's not a crime!

Writer: It is too a crime!

Onua: No it isn't. Besides, Numair and Daine won't "recognize their undying love" for each other. Numair's way too old for her and he's attracted to blondes who are... women. That means they aren't fifteen and have unusually large breasts!

Numair: Hey!

Daine: Hey!

Perin: Hey!

Daine: Hey, why did you say hey?

Perin: Because I think you're the most beautiful grown-up woman in the whole Tortallan universe!

Daine: Aw! (she kisses him) I luvey wuvey you, my perfet Pear-in!

Writer: Oh, come on! How can you like him? He's a pear... but Numair's a stud!

Numair: Ha ha! You're a pear and I'm a stud! So, pfft!!!

Onua: Shut up!

Numair: Hey, how come everyone always tells me to shut up? That's not very nice you know, Onua!

Onua: Shut up.

Numair: Writer, she's being mean to me!

Writer: Don't worry Numy Wumy Poo. I'll poof her if you want me to.

Numair: No, don't poof her... You should do to her what you did to the APTIWIJFTHOI3. Boy, that's hard to type!

Writer: How would you know? You're not the one who has to write it.

Daine: Listen, Writer. How can you convict someone for a crime that they haven't committed yet?

Writer: Hmmm... I don't know. Oh, wait. Maybe like in that movie where the guy invents a machine that lets the cops see into the future and they start arresting people who haven't actually committed the crimes they were planning yet? I wanted to see that movie...

Daine: Yeah, well, I saw it. Do you know what happens in the end?

Writer: No. What?

Daine: (thinking) Ummm... The guys that arrest the people get killed by a steamroller!

Writer: (gasp) No. Way! That's exactly what I thought would happen! (sharp intake of breath) Are you psychic?

Daine: Sure, whatever.

Perin: Um, these chains are getting kinda heavy. Can we reach a verdict already?

Writer: Okay. Every one from the Tortall books, poof in! _Poof! Everyone poofs in._ Okay, now raise your hand if you think Perin is guilty. _Numair and all the evil... Nope, just Numair! Numair raises his hand._

Numair: Hey, how come the evil people aren't saying Perin is guilty?

Ozorne: His crime was nothing compared to mine!

Ralon: Yeah, hehehe! Beat Alan, must beat Alan!

Ylon and Ylanda: His evil is not worthy of guiltinessssss!

Writer: Everyone who is crazy and wants Perin to walk free, raise your hands. _Everyone else raises their hands._ Well, it looks like we have our first Not Guilty ladies and gentlemen. Congratulations, Perin of... Whatever. You've just won this brand new convertible!

Perin: (crying tears of joy) Thank you! Thank you!

Writer: And now, the closing credits. Thanks to the Tortallan Court for use of their stage. Thanks to the I Hate Perin club for providing us with a defendant and last, but not least, thanks to the readers of this trash that some people call random and others, stupid! Aloha and good night Pennsylvania!


	4. Alanna Oh, but I like this too!

To all those who reviewed: Muchas Gracias or whatever! Thanks for all the support!

wild black fire: No, I'm afraid you can't have Joren's cookie. It took my mom so long to fix my computer that the cookie got stale and I had to throw it away.

The Hobbit Lass: So sorry! I didn't get this up for ever because my mom tried to put the internet on my comp and it didn't work and she couldn't get it off... It was awful! Living without the internet for almost two weeks! Anyway, here's the newest chapter.

Silver-celestial: Thanks soooo much for reviewing. I'm really glad you liked this fic. I'll probably use your suggestion, but the trouble is that I don't really like the Aly books. I am running out of people to do, though, so thanks for the idea.

**Chapter 4: Trial of Sir Alan a.k.a. Sir Alanna**

Writer: Hi!

Writer: I'm back!

Writer: Are you reading this?

Writer: Aren't you tired of seeing "Writer" on your screen?

Writer: Well, too bad! Without me (and Ms. Pierce) this fanfic wouldn't exist.

Writer: Now are you glad to see me?

_Several people glare at their computer screens while reading this._

Writer: Actually, there aren't several people that are reading this. There are only three that I know of. So if you are reading this, please, please review! You can say that this story sucks, but I just want to know if anyone is reading this fic.

Writer: Anyway, on with today's trial. Everybody poof!

_Everyone poofs without much gusto, since it's the fourth chapter and they're tired of being poofed for the readers' amusement._

Writer: Where's Alanna?

Alanna: Yeah, where's Alanna? Oh, wait, I'm Alanna. Right. Heh heh.

Writer: Well...

Alanna: ???

Writer: GET ON THE STAGE!!!!!!!!!!

Alanna: Sheesh already! I'm coming.

Writer: Yeah, slower than...

Jon: Slower than the speed at which my blade can cut you in half, my lady writer person?

Writer: That's Writer to you, Prince Poodle.

Jon: Prince Poodle? Who here is called Prince Poodle? I'm supposed to be the only prince here! I'm the special one! I should be the Poo... Oh, I get it. Real funny.

Alanna: Hey, people, I should be riding off to do good deeds. Can we get on with it already?

Jon: You wanna get it on? Cause we can get it on, my squire.

Writer: No way is ANYONE "getting it on" during my trials.

Alanna: (pointing to Daine and Numair, who are making out in the wings offstage) How come they get to?

Writer: Because they aren't onstage, idiot. Now, let us begin. Alanna, you have been accused of various crimes, all stemming from the crime of being (dramatic pause) a cross-dresser.

_Dun dun dun! Boom! Crash! (That would be the thunder and lightning effect after the scary and surprised effect.)_

APTIWIJFTHOI: Oh me!

APTIWIJFTHOI2: Oh my!

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Oh... wait a minute. Why is that bad? She was just doing the only thing possible that would let her win her shield fairly.

Writer: Hey, I thought I poofed you away forever last chapter.

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Yeah, but number 5 had a doctor's appointment and you're going to need 4 later.

Writer: O-o-o-kay. So, back to the cross-dresser.

Alanna: Dude, what's wrong with cross-dressing to get what you want? Okay, that just sounded really wrong, but what I meant to say...

Writer: I'm not a dude and there's nothing wrong with cross-dressing, but this is like one of those contests where they say you have to be over eighteen to enter and you enter even though you are only seventeen or whatever and they tell you that you would have won if you hadn't been under eighteen (which basically means you would've won if you hadn't entered, which doesn't make sense), but you're disqualified.

Alanna: Huh?

Writer: See, you don't even sound smart enough to be a knight.

Alanna: I am a knight! I'm Sir Alan of Trebond. Bow down before me, you humble scribe!

Writer: No thanks. And you aren't Sir Alan, you're Sir Alanna.

Alanna: How dare you insult me! Are you calling me a girl?! I am not a weak little court lady who squeals at the sight of a mouse! I am all-powerful!!! Ya ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!

Writer: O-o-o-kay again. Getting a little freaky there, Alanna.

Alanna: My name is Alan! ALAN! Get it straight, you crazy writer!

George: Alanna, your name is Alanna! And I love you for yourself, remember? Jon just loves you as a challenge he can conquer, but I love you for being the first warrior maiden in a hundred years, remember?

Alanna: I don't know why you're saying those things, George. My name is Alan! (whispers to him) Don't give away my secret, you dolt!

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Hey! Can I say something?

Writer: No! You aren't even supposed to be here so shut up!

Alanna: Jo-o-on!!! Fix this! I don't wanna go to jail.

Jon: Alanna, I'll do the best I can, but the crazy person who writes all our lines is really mean and scary. I'd rather not do anything if that's alright with you, sweetie pie.

Alanna: IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING, I'LL KICK YOUR...

Jon: Okay, okay! Calm down. (to Writer (obvioiusly)) Writer, if you convict this woman...man... person, I will sentence you to death. So there.

Writer: Jon, if you say another word, I will poof you away forever like #3.

Jon: Uh, sorry, Alanna darling, but... um...

Alanna: I refuse to go to jail! It's not happening! No way, no how!

Writer: Listen, do you even understand the accusation?

Alanna: Of course I understand it. Something to do with blue pigs, right?

Writer: Not exactly. You've been accused of dressing like a man.

Alanna: ???

Writer: Alanna, you can't escape this one. It's true.

Alanna: Of course it's true, but I don't see why it's illegal. I dressed like a man because I am one. Would you rather I dressed up in a pink frilly dress with a big bow?

Writer: Uh, sort of. George, could you help me out?

George: Alanna, you are a woman, not a man. (to Writer) However, I don't see why that means that she has to wear dresses. I still think she's beautiful and feminine.

Writer: Yes, but George we all know that you are secretly gay.

APTIWIJFTHOI4: Oh my goodness!

APTIWIJFTHOI3: That is NOT true!

APTIWIJFTHOI2: And even if it were, that doesn't mean that his opinion is irrelevant.

_Neal poofs in._

Neal: Hi, I just poofed in.

Writer: Really? I never would have guessed.

Neal: May I speak with Alanna?

Writer: I suppose. But every time you help someone out they get off free.

Neal: How would you know? I haven't helped a defendant yet.

Writer: Good point. Proceed.

Neal: Alanna, I advise you to plead innocent on the grounds that breeches and a shirt are not only men's clothes.

Alanna: Why should I take advice from you, pipsqueak?

Neal: Or you could just plead guilty and get it over with.

Jon: Ooh! Or we could not get it over with, but get it on!

Writer: That's it, Jon! I told you not to talk, and now you're getting punished!

Jon: Oh, come on. All I wanted was a nice, little make out sessiooooooooo...

_Jon, who is now REALLY ugly and has HORRIBLE acne, disappears (FOREVER!!!)!_

APTIWIJFTHOI3: Did you just copy and paste that from when you poofed me? It doesn't work, you know.

Writer: I did not _just_ copy and paste it. I changed some stuff.

Alanna: Hey, people! Can we focus on me, Sir Alan of Trebond?!

Writer: We could, but then we'd all go blind because of your ugliness.

George: Hahahahaha! That's really (looks at Alanna, who is glaring at him)... Not funny. That's not funny, that's mean!

Writer: Okay. Okay. Alanna, how do you plead?

Alanna: Innocent.

Writer: Care to tell us why?

Alanna: Friends, Tortallans, knights, lend me your swords... so that I can wage war upon the Writer!

Writer: No waging war, Alanna!

Alanna: Fine, then lend me your stupid ears. I have committed no crime. In fact, although moments before I sounded very stupid, I was smart enough to try and free my fellow un-fellows from the tight restraints of society. I was only trying to let men see that women, too, should be aloud to wear pants and bang people with swords. I did not cross-dress, I dressed the way we were meant to dress! Freedom!!!

Anonymous Crowd of People: Freedom! Freedom!

Writer: Okay, let's take a vote. Who thinks Alanna's stupid?

George: Hey! That has nothing to do with the trial!

Writer: Picky, picky. Okay, who thinks Alanna is guilty?

_About a third of the people raise their hands. All of them are men, of course._

Writer: Sh!!. Well, who thinks she's innocent?

_Everyone else raises their hands._

Writer: Oh, come on! I want to send someone to the Dungeon of Terror with Joren!

George: You're outnumbered, Writer. Give it up!

Writer: Never!!!

Alanna: Dude, poof us!

Writer: Go poof yourself!

_Writer poofs everyone away anyway._

Writer: Well, I'll see you tomorrow folks.

Writer: Oh, and remember pink cookies fly at midnight, so be careful when you're flying home tonight.

Writer: Goodbye!

Writer: Oh, wait! Remember to review by pushing the blue button down there.

Writer: Bye!!!


	5. Aly, your mother knows what's best

THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN UPDATED AS OF JAN. 2, 2005!!!

**Chapter 5 part 1: A Short Chapter in Which Aly is Put on Trial **

Writer: Hello. Today, at the request of a concerned mother, we have decided to bring a young lady to trial for the crime of running away from home.

Alanna: It is a crime! I swear it is!!!

Writer: Alanna, how did you get here? I have to poof you in, remember?

Alanna: I came in through the back door.

Writer: Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to poof you away because you all have to poof in at the same time.

Alanna: Fine, but she did commit a crime!

_Alanna is poofed away. _

Writer: Anyway, let's poof everyone in.

Alanna: You just poofed me out!

Writer: Well, I'm sorry! I didn't know that I didn't have anything else to say. So, to continue, I am now poofing everyone else in!

_Everyone else is poofed in. _

Alanna: Okay, okay. You've poofed them in. Now, let's get on with the trial!!!

Writer: Gosh, Alanna. Let them catch their breath first.

Aly: Oh, Writer, Writer… I didn't run away exactly. I shouldn't be on trial… Really!

Alanna: You did too run away! And you caused me a lot of grief and heartache over it, too. (sobbing) My only child… spirited away… by her own maliciousness… Oh, where did I go wrong?!

Writer: Calm down, Alanna. Sheesh… some people would think you were at a funeral… the way you carry on. Now, Aly, tell us your side of the story… and where did you get that stunning dress?

Aly: I didn't run away; I just wanted to take a break and get away from… certain people. And the dress is by Cooper, Eleni Cooper. She's the best dressmaker in all Tortall… except for Armani and Kate Spade and…

Alanna: Aly, how could you?! Kate Spade is NOT famous for making dresses… She makes bags, you nitwit!!! And, your honor…I mean Writer…She didn't just take a break! She went and got herself captured by a slave ship. And you all thought she was sooo smart.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

hey everyone! sorry it's been soooo long, but I was gone, then my comp wasn't working, then my internet got screwed up like seven times in a row... it was really bad. and to top it all off, i have a MASSIVE project due before winter break, so i probly won't update again til the end of december. thank you sooo much to all who reviewed. i have to leave, so i don't have time to mention everyone by name, but hopefully i can mention you and answer all questions next time... thank you and happy holidays!


	6. Aly, cont

**First, notes to my reviewers…**

The Hobbit Lass: I don't know if same-sex marriage is aloud in Tortall… I would guess not.

silver-celestial: Sorry, I totally ruined your idea… I blame it on my mind getting totally distracted from And why is it that everyone thinks that guys shouldn't wear skirts (unless they're kilts, which aren't really skirts anyway…) while girls can wear pants and shorts? It doesn't make sense to me.

jfj/ the real antonio/ antonio x: STOP REVIEWING, C!!!

wild black fire: Which cookie? You can have Joren's, but not the pink one… That one's my pet.

Tortalls Resident Wildchild: Sorry, I'm not good with humor, but I'll try harder.

RabidEnyaFan: I can't poof in anyone from The Circle of Magic books because it's Tortallan Court, but I am thinking about an interesting songfic for those characters...

Dom's Lover: I'll think about it… It might take me a while to write though… Everyone would be outraged! Hehehe…

HikariandTakeru4eva: Thanks!

Hey, does anyone remember if I put a disclaimer in the beginning that applies to all chapters? Well:

**Disclaimer that is applicable to all chapters in this fanfic, as well as in any other fanfics I have created where I forgot about the disclaimer:** I own no person, place, or idea created by the brilliant Tamora Pierce or any other people I happen to take ideas from.

**Chapter 5 Part 2**

Writer: Now, Alanna… maybe…

Alanna: No! No maybes, maydays, or mayonnaise about it!

Writer: Okay, you suck at insults.

Alanna: That was not an idiot, you stupid… person, thing… And anyway, you're the one who wrote it.

Writer: Ahem… Ummm… (with sudden gusto) Aly! Would you like to say something?!

Aly: I'm not talking anymore to either of you because you brought me here and she's acting like a marmoset!

_Everyone gasps!_

Man in the crowd: Hang her! Get her for her coarse language!!!

Aly: What? Are you people crazy? Marmoset isn't a bad word… It's an animal…

Writer: I thought you weren't talking.

Aly: Oh, right.

Man in the crowd: Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

Aly: Mmph!!!

Alanna: No! You are not aloud to hang my daughter unless I say so...

Writer: (to you guys who are reading this) Thank the Goddess! There is an end to this!

Alanna: …Drown her instead!

Writer: Nevermind…

Aly: Mph! Mm mm mphm mm mm mph mm!

Writer: Huh?

Aly: Mm mm mphm mm mm mph mm!!!

Writer: What's that?

Aly: Oh, just poof us all away!!!!!!

Writer: Oh, that's what you said… Okay.

_Everyone is poofed away because I can't stand this plot because I didn't set it up very well…sighs..._


	7. Kel had to delete the good PG13 stuff

Notes to the WonderfulReviewers (I only got 4 new ones??)

ed: christine, right?

amaya: glad you like it... the next chapter will hopefully be a LOT more like the first

LandUnderWave: I don't know... I've only read those books a couple of times... We'll see...

Dom's Lover: Yes, making people outraged is fun and I'm glad you liked my Angry Alanna... Here's Dom and Neal... and a few other people... hehehe, I couldn't resist adding them in...

**Chapter 6: The Trial of Keladry of Mindelan**

Writer: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to jollyrancher-j2k's random courtroom in which no two trials are the same, but all start and end the same way. Today, for fun, we will have Neal be the prosecutor… _laughs evilly_… That'll certainly liven things up a bit… Anyway, let us commence with the now-famous poof!

_Everyone is now-famously poofed in._

Writer: Let's see… Keladry, take center stage and we will begin.

Kel: What did I do wrong? Oh, I hope you don't think I did something wrong. I could never live with myself knowing that you didn't trust me. You do trust me, don't you, Your Honor. Oh I hope you trust me…

Writer: Yeah, sure. So… I will now give Neal this scroll so he can read off the charges. Sir Nealan, if you would?

Neal: _Opens scroll._ Of course… ummm…

Writer: Generally reading involves gazing analytically at the paper in front of you…

Neal: Yes, right.

Writer: The charges?

Neal: Yes, of course, the charges… The charges are… are… meep!

Writer: Meep? What's meep?

Neal: Sorry, a bit of a voice disfunction there. Actually, can I go outside for a bit of fresh air… just for a moment?

Writer: No, I think you should read the charges first.

Neal: Well, is that really necessary? Why don't we just pass the scroll around… please? _Whispers to Writer:_ Dom's a really fast runner and I'll need the head start!

Kel: Is there a problem, Your Honor? I would be ever so helpful if you needed help. Do you need any help?

Writer: No, Barbie, I'm fine.

Kel: Okay, if you're sure.

Writer: I am. Neal! Stop trying to sneak out and read the d!!! charges!!!

Neal: The accused is… charged with… cheating on her present sexual partner… with another man… whose name is… well… umm…

Dom: She cheated on me?! Who? With who? I'll tear the limbs from the man who did it! I swear I'll get him and I'll rip his skin off. I'll flay him with my bare hands!!!

Neal: Now, Dom do you really want to…

Writer: I agree with Dom. The man that did this should be stripped,drawn and quartered. Shame on him for messing with his brother… or in this case, his cousin.

Dom: What?! Which cousin? Was it Ernie? If it was I swear… Or was it Bert?! I knew he was shifty the moment I laid my eyes on his white turtleneck, multicolored sweater vest, and his yellow pointy head! Plus, he lives on Sesame Street… the name just screams villain!

Writer: Neal… Tell us who it was.

Neal: It was... erm… umm…uhh…mmmm…mmm…mmm…

Dom: Neal, I have to know! Tell me!!!

Neal: It was me! Goodbye.

_Neal tries to run, but is unable to move because the Writer is as powerful as a god._

Dom: Youyouyouyouyouyou…

Neal: Meep!

Kel: Oh, Dommy… I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you. You are so beautiful… to me… can't you see? Dommy poo, don't be angry. I only did it to make me happy so I would give you better sex…

Dom: You HAD to sleep with him to sleep with me?!

Kel: Well… Neal and a few other… people.

Dom: What?!

Neal: You cheated on me too?!

Kel: I wasn't cheating on anyone. I was just giving you all some happiness.

Dom: Oh, so now you think you're Santa Claus, delivering presents to all the little boys and girls?

Kel: Oh, no… I wasn't giving away presents… I was giving away myself… and Dommy Poo, it's not like you own me.

Dom: Own you?! You think I have to own a girl before she stops screwing me over?!

Neal: Excuse me, but I think we're missing the most important thing here… She cheated on ME while cheating on you.

Writer: Yeah, who else did you invite into your bed, Kel?

Kel: Just people who looked like they needed cheering up.

Numair: Yeah, she cheered me up REALLY well!

Jon: Hey, there were moments when she cheered me so much…

Writer: OK, OK! No details people… This is supposed to be a PG fic… I hope the rating is still okay after this chapter.

Dom: You slept with NUMAIR AND DOM?!!!

Kel: Yes…

Numair: Actually, we just did it a couple of times… She said she had to go back to your room to cheer you up, so there was no time for sleeping.

Writer: Does PG not mean ANYTHING to you, Numy?

Numair: No, we don't have movies here, so…

Dom: Oh, can it, you black mage person! What am I going to do? Oh, Kel…

Neal: Hey, Kel, are we still on for tomorrow night?

Kel: Of course, Nealy… Anything to cheer up my best friend!

Writer: Actually, Kel, you won't be going anywhere for a while. Technically, you admitted that the charges are true, so I'm going to have to poof you into jail.

Kel: Whatever makes you happy, Your Honor. Say, you look so glum… Do you want to come by my cell later so I can cheer you up?

Writer: I am NOT going to even pretend I heard what you just said! Goodbye Kel!

_Kel is poofed to a jail cell. Then, without saying anything, the Writer poofs away the other people. _

Writer: I would have said something, but I can tell that Dom, Numair, Jon and Neal would have started saying things that were DEFINITELY NOT PG.

_A/N: The last few chapters have been getting really bad lately, so I'm going to try making the next chapter much more random. Also, I am thinking about changing the rating so that I don't have to cover up swearing and stop characters from talking about their love lives, etc. What do you think?_


	8. Random Recess in the Random Room

I've changed the rating, but I can't edit past chapters until Friday or Saturday… Stupid finals! This new chappie is all about Cali Girl Alanna and Sexy Raoul… In the next chapter I'm envisioning someone with a hair fetish… Bon appetite!

To my wonderful reviewers from last chapter: Amaya, Tabby Minerva and wild black fire… Thank you for your compliments and helpful input.

**Chapter 7: The Random Recess in the Random Room**

_In the "courtroom":_

Writer: I have ordered a short 5 minute recess while the jury deliberates about… umm… _some _crime, I'm sure.

_In the Random Room:_

Alanna: Ugh! I, like, vote _guilty_ because that guy was, like, _totally_ checking out _my_ ass and I do _not _condone sexual… like, _attractiveness_… to _me_! I mean, I, like, totally hate_ all_ men! They are _stupid _and _smelly _and _big _and _gross_ and _babies_ and, like… (sighs exaggeratedly) I don't know a _single one_ who can _wear_ a _skirt _and, like, _still_ look _amazingly_ HOT!

George: I also vote guilty… I mean, I know you thought he was checking out _your_ ass, Alanna, but in _reality_ he was staring past you at _my_ sexy abs and I take _offense _to that! My rock-hard ass is _sooo_ much hotter than my sexy abs!!!

Alanna: What sexy abs? Oh, you mean, like, those _inflatable_ ones you ordered off the internet?

George: What are you talking about? We don't even know what the internet is… and stop telling everyone my secrets, Cali Girl (_AN: No offense, I'm one myself, I just like playing with stereotypes… and I totally say like, like, ALL the time_!)!

Jon: It's okay, George. I mean, everyone knows about _my_ fake parts, that I had Alanna buy so that I would feel manlier when we were _sleeping_ together!

Thayet: _What?!_ You told me that slut had never even _seen_ you naked! You told me it was all _real!!!_ You lying prig! How could you? I'm going to tell my Alanna on you…

Alanna: Thayet… I'm, like, _right here_. I heard _everything_. Besides, you shouldn't go, like, _crying_ to your _Alanna_ when you're _upset_, like, all the time… You're _supposed_ to, like, find some _hot guy_ to spill your guts to.

Raoul: (with one of those hot model-y Spanish accents) Si, senora… I am sexy Raoul… Do you need a hot, sexy shoulder to cry on? Because I have dos shoulders… and I am sexy Raoul!

Daine: Oh, Thayet, I cannot ever believe Jon would do such a thing to you. He's always been so forward about his problems when we were having sex. Bad Kingy!!!

Alanna: (mutters) More like bad _thingy…_

Thayet: Oh, Jonny! You slept with Daine?! How will I survive?

Raoul: I am sexy Raoul… Come with me, senor—er...—rita and we shall make beautiful coconuts together!!!

Thayet: Oh, Raoul… you're so strong and nice…

Raoul: Y sexy!

Thayet: …and you have the most beautiful coal-black hair I have ever laid my soft little noble's hands on!

Jon: Uh! But the other night you said that my hair was the most beautiful…

Thayet: I know what I said, you terrible prig! Next time you should think about the consequences of your actions and be nicer to your wife so she doesn't take fake compliments back!

Daine: Oh, my poor Thayet. He never really loved you did he? He's been loving me all along and it's only now that you found out… I feel so sorry for you, darling.

Thayet: Oh! Daine, how could you do this to me?! I can't believe my life is ruined!

_Meanwhile, in the "courtroom":_

Writer: I wonder what's taking them so long. The man is obviously not guilty!

_Back in the Random Room:_

Alanna: George, like, don't go anywhere _near_ me! How could you agree to sleep with that _bitch?!_

George: What?!

All: Yeah, Alanna, we haven't got to that part yet…

**_Rewind!_**

Daine: Oh, Thayet… I didn't mean to ruin your life. I just really needed some cash and the king was the richest person I knew!

Jon: Dainey? Are you saying you never loved me or my inflatables?

Daine: No, sweety. It was just your money, I'm afraid.

Jon: But… was it at least good for you?

Daine: erm… Let's see what Thayet's doing!

Thayet: Oh, Raoul… I'm afraid that unlike my (sob) _adulterer husband_ (sob), I cannot take you when you so clearly belong to Buriram.

Raoul: But… but… I do not understand… I am sexy Raoul!!! No senora can resist my _gorgeous_ manly physique!

Thayet: I'm sorry.

Raoul: It is okay… I am just (sob) going to go to my room now… I'm _not_ crying, don't worry about _me_ (starts sobbing hysterically)!

George: That took guts, Thayet.

Thayet: Why, thank you George.

George: Please… call me… _Super-Hotty_!

Thayet: Hehe… Oh, George. You are so funny!

George: Really? Why don't we go into your bedroom where we can talk some more about how funny I am?

Thayet: (giggly) Okay!

George: Alanna, my dear, I'll be _right_ back… in about twenty minutes.

Alanna: George, like, don't go anywhere near me! How could you agree to sleep with that _bitch?!_

George: She's HOT and her hair is sooo silky.

Alanna: But, uh, like, uh… You've always favored _redheads_!!!

George: Well, habits change.

Jon: No they don't. "Habits are hard to break…" _That_ is the saying.

George: Whatever suits the context.

Alanna: You are, like, _sooo _not my hubbie anymore! I want a divorce!!!

George: Fine!

Alanna: Fine!

Writer: (peeking in) Umm… the 5 minutes are up you guys. Have you reached a verdict?

Alanna: Yeah, whatever!

In the courtroom:

Writer: Members of the jury, what is your verdict?

Jon: We vote…

Alanna: Um, you are so, like, not the one who speaks here! That would be me!

Jon: Fine, witch!

Alanna: We have decided that all men are, like, guilty, because they're all stupid idiots and no one likes them!!!

Writer: Are you sure?

Alanna: Yes. Now poof us before I, like, kill someone!!!

Writer: Fine, there!

_Everyone is poofed away._

Writer: Did something happen in that room? Oh, well. I guess I'll never know.


	9. A Little Note from the Author

**A Little Note from the Author**

Writer: Ah, yes… This is the Author's Note… The thing no reader likes to read… The thing that makes the reader cringe and wonder when, if ever, the fic will be updated...

Alanna: If no one likes to read it then why are you writing it?

Writer: Shush!

Alanna: Go shush! yourself…

Writer: You can't tell me what to do… Anyway, I have to talk to the readers.

Alanna: Oh sure… You have to talk to _them!_ It's always them, them, THEM! What about ME! Hmph!

Writer: Alanna… I really need to talk to them, so please just be quiet for a moment… Everyone, I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but I do not have the next chapter written.

Alanna: Gasp! You bitch! No chapter? How will people be able to admire my skillful warriorfulness?

Writer: That isn't a word.

Alanna: What isn't?

Writer: Warriorfullness…

Alanna: I'm not talking to you!

Writer: Fine! That was what I wanted in the first place. So what I was trying to say was: Not only do I not have the next chapter written, I also don't think I'll feel like writing much for a while…

Alanna: Oh! How could you!

Writer: Oh shutup!

Alanna: Hmph (again)!

Writer: I have opened an account on and uploaded a few things, but I probably won't be writing very much on there either… You can look me up if you want… I'm still jollyrancher-j2k (but the lookup thing doesn't work here, so who knows if I'll show up…) I am working on two fanfics in the meantime, but they are in my school notebook and I _REALLY hate _typing things up! I hope you understand, but with school and life and tiredness… I just can't do this at the moment. I promise I'll update as soon as I write the next chapter though… Thank you sooo much for reading this!

Alanna: That was annoying!

Writer: What? Wouldn't it have been more annoying to just leave them hanging?

Alanna: No, 'cause then they could have pretended that you'd died or been severely injured…

Writer: Oh, thanks for the uplifting thoughts.

Alanna: No problem! Well, bye y'all… See ya again when this lazy girl gets her ass in gear!

Writer: Oh, and thank you extra lots for those of you who reviewed after chapter 8... Yay! I have new reviewers!


	10. I promised you a hair fetish

**Hey, everyone! I'm back! Woo hoo! Here we go:**

**To my Reviewers:**

_LandUnderWave: Sorry it took me so long to update… I really am sorry, but I kept on putting it off and getting school projects and putting it off… I hope you aren't too mad at me… But I'll duck just in case ducks… I have heard of Banshee in the Kitchen, they're awesome!... or maybe that was Baby in the Kitchen… And Anonymous 4 rules! (who are they again?)_

_Amaya: Thanks for understanding!_

_Anonamous: Glad you enjoyed it._

_And if I skipped anyone, kudos to them for reviewing too!_

**Chapter 8 Part 1: A Hair Fetish Arises (Maybe)**

Writer: I'm back!

Alanna: So what? They've all ditched you by now…

Writer: Ah, but 12 of them can't ditch me because… dun dun dun… I'm on their author alert lists!

_high-pitched screams_

Alanna: Oooooo… so scary… NOT! They can just ignore those emails, you know.

Writer: Whatever… If we don't bring in other people and establish a plot, they aren't going to want to read this.

Alanna: Fine, but it's not like they can complain about 5 lines of dialogue, that… heaven forbid!... doesn't have anything to do with TP!

Writer: They can complain all they want… Hence the "Review" button…

Alanna: Pchaw!

Writer: Boy, that was OOC!

Alanna: Pfft!

Writer: You're just getting weird… Let's poof people in!

_Everyone is poofed in._

Joren: I have a hair fetish!

Writer: No, no, no… You're supposed to build up to the fetish… We're working on the whole Rising Action thing here.

Neal: Actually, I believe that we are still in the Exposition…

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Writer: No, no, don't tell him to shut up. Neal, what were you saying about the Exposition?

Neal: Well, the Exposition is the part...

Kel: Get him!

Daine: Stuff his mouth!

Jon: Gag him!

Thayet: Here, use my royal petticoats…

Writer: I don't know if that's enough material to stopper up his whole mouth.

Owen: You're right, his mouth is huge!

Kel: Look who's talking.

Owen: Pfft!

Neal: MPH! MMMMM MMMM MMPH!

Numair: He's still making noise!

Daine: Here's a horse blanket!

Kel: Ew, that's gotta taste bad.

Neal: UUUUUUUUUUUU!

Owen: That's still noise!

Jon: Here's my doublet!

Numair: Take my robe!

Daine: But, honey, that's your black robe!

Numair: I don't care… Anything to shut him up!

Joren: Here's my loincloth!

Kel: No way! You have Wonder Woman underwear, too!

Joren: Huh? What? _Looks down at underwear, which now have Wonder Woman on them_ Hey! These aren't mine!

Kel: Yes they are… We just saw you take them off your skinny white arse.

Joren: I swear they aren't mine!

Writer: Hehehehe. I love being the writer.

Kel: _mildly interested look_ Joren, if they aren't yours then why are you wearing them?

Joren: _blush_ meep…

Owen: Hey, everyone! Joren wears Wonder Woman undies!

Everyone: O.O _crickets_

Neal: _spits out clothes_ Damn, that's just freaky!

Joren: They aren't mine!

Neal: Right… So what other habits do you have that we don't know about, Joren?

Kel: Yeah, give us the scoop… What's up in Jorey-land?

Joren: None of your damn business!

Neal: Oh, I think it's everyone's business now.

Writer: Why does that sound familiar?

Joren: Maybe you stole it from someone!

Writer: I did not!... I don't think I did anyway…

Joren: Ha! You all are pathetic. Saying whatever this blondie types on her little computer… PATHETIC!

Kel: You're saying it too…

Joren: Shut up!

Writer: I think Joren needs a time out.

Owen: Oo! I have an idea! I do, I do! Pick me, please pick me! I have a really good idea!

_What is Owen's idea? Will the Writer ever get back to the hair fetish? And when_ is_ her birthday? Find out next time on _Tortallan Court (Chapter 8 Part 2)!


	11. Devilish Secrets

SPECIAL DISCLAIMER: In addition to not owning TP's stuff, I also don't own Peeps… or Wonder Woman, 'cause I don't think I wrote that in the last chapter…

ALSO: Has anyone noticed how they're cracking down on grammar and stuff here? I can't type three exclamation points next to each other or an exclamation and a question mark or... And the little star things don't work... wait, did they ever work?

_**Reviewer Answers:**_

_Lady Leah of Chaos: Alanna really is fun to bash!_

_Lady Kaia: You read this in the middle of class! Where do you go to school? I wanna go there!_

_Lylei: Yay for Author Alert! And I'm not surprised you forgot about this fic… I forget about most fics unless there's a really good one that the author updates on a lot._

_Amaya Sakura: Ooh, an original… What's it about?_

_wild black fire: Every time I type your name Word wants to capitalize it… Oh, well… Anyway, hope you like this new chapter. I churned it out randomly while listening to my sister's hip hop itunes songs and occasionally blasting 1985 and Vacation out of the speakers._

_maliaphire: Ha! You know what? I completely forgot about my birthday! It's the 29th, thanks for asking!_

_Tiffy: hilarious if illogical… that review stuck in my mind for some reason… it sounds really cute… I don't know, I'm crazy… don't listen to my ramblings… hehehe…_

**Chapter 8 Part 2: Devilish Secrets**

_To continue from last time:_

Owen: Oo! I have an idea! I do, I do! Pick me, please pick me! I have a really good idea!

Writer: Yes, Owen?

Owen: Let's put him on trial, so he has to tell us all his dirty secrets!

Neal: Excellent idea, Owen, my boy!

Kel: I believe that's the smartest thing you've ever said!

Numair: And that's not saying much…

Owen: Hey!

Writer: Hush, everyone! I will now do something that has never been done before in the history of Tortallan Court! I shall poof in the courtroom! _OOOOOOO, AAAHHHHHH!_

Alanna: I don't think you know how to do your ooh's right.

Writer: Shut up! Everybody watch as the courtroom comes to you!

_Courtroom is poofed in._

Alanna: Wow… That was only the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Writer: Hmph!

Neal: Okay, time to persecu—er—_prosecute_ Joren.

Owen: Hehehe… Ya ha ha ha… _lightning flash_

Joren: What the hell? I thought you were supposed to be jolly.

Owen: Yes, but today I get to be jolly evil, right Neal?

Neal: Um, evil doesn't really work for you, Owen.

Joren: See? Told you so.

Owen: Oh yeah? Well… _runs over to phone booth_ Watch this! spins around in phone booth and pops out in a devil costume Ya ha ha ha!

Joren: Hehehe… You look really cute.

Kel: Hehehehe… Yeah, all pudgy and like… like…

Neal: Like a big red marsmallow Peep devil! _erupts into laughter_

Owen: Wah! I want to be evil! Evil, evil, EVIL! I WANT MY MOMMY! _runs off_

Writer: Okay… Well, then.

Joren: Yeah, I think I'll just go home now…

Alanna: Hell no! You ain't goin' nowhere! We need to know more about Wonder Joren!

Numair: Yeah, what goes on in that head of yours, Jorey?

Kel: Maybe we could save you…

Alanna: Forget saving him! We just want to laugh at him!

Neal: So, Joren, what did you dream about last night?

Joren: This is ridiculous! And I don't have dreams… OF ANY SORT!

Alanna: Right… and I'm a Mithran priest.

Neal: Why don't you tell us about your little dreams, Joren?

Alanna: Yeah, Jorey, tell us all about them.

Joren: Hell no!

Numair: Ooh, ooh! Let me do a spell on him, please! It'll be so much fun!

Kel: You guys…

Alanna: Good idea, Numair!

Kel: …you can't just look in someone's head…

Alanna: Hey, Neal… Can we legally do a spell on him?

Kel: …even if it is Joren…

Neal: Hmm… There's nothing that would directly allow us to do it, but let me look in my Book of Tortallan Law and Court and Other Stuff.

Kel: …it's just morally wrong…

Neal: Here we go. We expect him of treason, so a truth spell is allowed. Go ahead Numair!

Kel: …and I'm afraid that I can't just let you…

Numair: _casts spell_ Joren, what were you doing dreaming about Kel naked last night!

Kel: WHAT! Let me at that sick bastard. I'm gonna f#&# beat him to a pulp!

Joren: I was… meep!... I was… argh! I was dreaming about how sexy she looked in that armor the other day!

Kel: Ahhhhh! I'm gonna kill him!

Alanna: Hehehehehe… Hahahaha!

Numair: Okay… Well, we know Joren has a thing for lady knights…

Joren: Ugh! Lady Knights? No way! Lady Alanna is uglier than a horse's ass!

Alanna: Let me at that bastard!

Joren: No, it was Kel's hair. So… sexy!

Numair: You think that Kel's short, unevenly chopped, plain, straight, dull brown hair is SEXY!

Kel: Hey… My hair isn't unevenly chopped!

Joren: Well, yeah.

Numair: Do you think that my hair is sexy?

Joren: Eh… Let me feel it… Hmm… Not bad, but it's got a bit too much gel in it… I like things natural.

Numair: _Sniff, sniff…_ That is natural! _breaks down sobbing_

Daine: Oh, look! Now you've gone and made him cry! I hate men who cry!

Numair: Wah!

Daine: Numy, just ask him another embarrassing question. It'll make you feel better and hopefully get you to stop crying.

Numair: Okay… Joren, what's your deepest, darkest secret?

Joren: No way!

Numair: You have to say! There's a truth spell on you, remember?

Joren: No, I can't say it! Not in front of… HER!

Alanna: Ooh! It involves a Her!

Kel: If this one involves me too, I'm really gonna kick his tiny little ass!

Joren: No, it's…

Alanna: Yes…

Joren: It's…

Alanna: Yes…

Joren: Will you stop saying yes?

Alanna: No…

Joren: Okay, I have something to confess!

Neal: Out with it!

Joren: I… am… in love with…

Alanna: WHO? WHO? WHO?

Joren: THIS FLOWER! _breaks down sobbing_ Aw, she's so beautiful… Look at that petal! JUST LOOK AT IT!

Kel: Okay, I think he's finally gone off the deep end.

Alanna: Yeah, I don't even see a flower.

Neal: I think he's talking about that purple Wakeflower.

Numair: Oo! Wakeflower? Where!

Daine: No, bad Numy! No! Neal, why'd you have to say Wakeflower!

Numair: Wakeflower? WAKEFLOWER! Me want Wakeflower! _charges Joren_

Joren: No! It's mine! My flower! _they start wrestling_

Alanna: Boy, men sure are smart!

_Joren and Numair wrestle some more and roll over the wakeflower_

Joren: Now look what you've done! You killed it! My baby! My poor sweet flower-wower! Crushed in the prime of her life! Wah!

Numair: Sheesh, get a grip! It was only a flower!

Joren: Only a flower? ONLY A FLOWER? _Joren charges Numair and they wrestle again_

Writer: Okay, well, this looks like it might get messy, so I'm gonna poof now! Bye!


End file.
